We Cannot Make Our Children Happy

As parents we work hard to provide the best circumstances we can for our children in hopes that it will make them happy.  We try to give them the best of everything that we can provide. The social and cultural pressures of parenting can even lead us to believe that our job as parents to is to make our children happy.

But the truth is, the perfect external conditions will never guarantee happiness. Happiness is an internal job.

We can sometimes make our children happy in the moment, but more importantly, how do we support them in learning the attitudes and beliefs that enable them to create a happy life for themselves?

Attitudes and beliefs that support a happy life

We are constantly molding our children through our attitudes, our beliefs, our responses to them, and through our behavior.  As such, we are consistently imparting our own habitual, not always conscious beliefs about ourselves, our children and the world.  These beliefs help to create the lens through which they see the world.

Do you know what beliefs and attitudes you are imparting to your children?

This is not something we usually stop to assess in the midst of responding to our children’s needs and demands. Becoming aware of the beliefs and attitudes that we are imparting requires doing our own internal work.  That way we can consciously choose to teach attitudes that will increase the likeliness that they can develop their own happiness and satisfaction in life.

The following are some of the beliefs and attitudes that I believe will help your child (as well as you) to create a healthy and happy life:

 — Teach your children to look for the positive in any situation

You can teach this through your own verbal and nonverbal responses to and interpretations of situations. If they can learn to look for the silver lining in any situation they will be more capable of coping with difficulties, and more empowered to move forward without the burden of negativity.

— Help them to see the best in others, as well as in themselves

Strive to show them how to have a compassionate attitude towards others and most importantly, towards themselves. We are all trying to cope as best as we can with the difficulties that life has presented to us.  Self-criticism and criticism of others only hinders their progress.  Perfection is not important.  Love and compassion are.

— Teach your children through your own example that all people deserve to be treated respectfully, even when they have differing lifestyles, cultures, beliefs, and living conditions.

Always treat your children with respect, even when you are angry with them. Respecting them includes listening to them carefully, and validating their feelings and viewpoints. Be mindful of the attitudes you convey when speaking about others, especially others from differing backgrounds. The ability to have satisfying interpersonal relationships is an important component of happiness. They will be learning how to treat others through your example.

—Model Positive humor

Humor greases the way towards more enjoyment and light-heartedness as they move through life. It is an important, under-rated and not always recognized spiritual quality. The more humor is a part of their environment, the easier it will be for them to use humor to ease their own journeys.

— Teach them how and when to stand up for themselves

If their experience in the family is that their feelings and viewpoints are heard, respected and validated they will be more able to articulate themselves when necessary in the outer world, knowing that what they have to say is worth sharing.  This validation also helps them to pay attention to what feels right and true to them as individuals.

—Everyone has their own unique experience of the world.

You can help them to understand this through your explanations of other’s behavior. Because someone does not see the world as they do does not mean that they are right and the other person is wrong (or vice versa). Their relationships will be much more fulfilling if they can learn to put themselves in the other person’s shoes to understand how the other is seeing the situation. Teach them that the other’s experience and viewpoint deserves validation as much as theirs does.

— Teach them that life doesn’t owe them anything

Help them to see that they are here to experience life, to grow from life, and to give to life.  Giving, in whatever way fits their talents, will inoculate them against feelings of depression and meaninglessness.

—Empower your children with the knowledge that they are not the victim of circumstances

Model for them the understanding that others do not have control over their feelings and inner experiences. Rather, they can consciously choose how they would like to see and respond to a situation. This gives them the empowering and health promoting experience of being the “doer”, rather than the victim; an active agent rather than a passive recipient of their own life circumstances.

In this way, you can help your children to experience the life changing understanding that they create their own experience of life.

It is not what happens in your children’s life that is most important.  Rather, it is how they interpret and respond to whatever happens that will determine the degree of happiness and satisfaction that they experience day to day.