Your Children are Not Your Children

 “Your children are not your children,
they are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you, but not from you….
You may house their bodies, but not their souls…”

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

Our children are living expressions of the miracle of life. They belong to God, to themselves, and to the evolution of life itself. Although parenting is an essential aspect of the fabric of life, it is also a sacred privilege and an honor.

Upon becoming a parent, it is obvious that children do not arrive as blank slates. Your child is his/her own person, with individual needs and propensities, talents to share, and lessons to learn. 

As parents, our job is, as much as possible, to see, understand, accept, and love who our children are as individuals. In so doing, we help them to feel good about themselves and to blossom fully. 

This doesn’t sound especially difficult in print. But in the reality of parenting we soon realize that it is impossible to do this without many, many missteps.  

When our own “issues” are triggered (as they will be!), we can get in the way of our children’s natural blossoming. Our job as parents is to be able to see ourselves clearly enough that we know when our own unresolved issues are getting in the way of seeing and responding appropriately to our children’s needs.

Your child may not be who you always wished for

It is important to be aware of what our expectations are of our children, and where these expectations are coming from.

Are they are based on our own needs, or on what is best for this child that we have the privilege to parent? 

This is not as simple as it sounds!

Your child may not be who you always wished for.
Your child may not please the parents you always wanted to please.
Your child may not want to follow the path in life that you had always envisioned.
Your child may even be embarrassing to you in some way.

What can we do when confronted with these feelings?

In an ideal parenting world, we can see these situations as a call for our own individual growth, rather than try to change our children into who we need them to be.

It is difficult to objectively see and respond to what our child’s needs are if we are seeing them through the filter of who we need them to be. Of course, this is impossible to do perfectly.

The “imperfections” in our abilities as parents become grist for the mill of our own growth, as well as our children’s.

The blessing is in the imperfect parenting

Parenting is a vehicle for the parent’s growth and wellness as much as it is for the benefit of the child.

Difficult child rearing situations, and children who are challenging to raise are blessings in our lives if we use the difficulties and our “mistakes” for our own growth and healing.

Our children present us daily with a myriad of opportunities to grow as well as to nurture.  The more we can take advantage of these opportunities, the more we can uplift ourselves as well as our children, and the more we serve life itself.

As always, kindness and compassion towards ourselves allows the process to move forward more efficiently and enjoyably.